The ready meal option

Scales are weird. A sneaky look this morning after an extremely indulgent weekend has the numbers showing down on where I was after last week’s second fast. I’m not arguing with it. I did weigh myself three times just to be sure…

Now that I’m getting back into the habit of regular fasting, I’m following the pattern I found worked well previously, of not eating at all during the day and then having a 400 – 500 cal meal in the evening. On days when I’m working in London, particularly if the kids are home and I’m not eating until late and exhausted, a ready meal is a great option. The advantages are that they are calorie counted, nutritionally balanced and super quick to heat.

I’m rather sad to see that WeightWatchers appear to have discontinued their “Steam and Serve” frozen meals, which were a regular standby and super cheap. I will have to instead stock up on some Cook! “OMG pots”. These are absolutely delicious with over a dozen varieties to choose from. They freeze and reheat from frozen perfectly so great to have on hand in the freezer. At around £4 per meal, they are not cheap but so yummy I think they are worth it.

http://www.cookfood.net/menu/ranges/omg-range

My other standby is Marks and Spencers, as there is one at the station I commute from so I can pick something up on the way home. Most of these don’t freeze, so have to be bought and eaten within a day or two. I like their “Balanced for You” range which are high in protein and fill you up nicely.

http://health.marksandspencer.com/our-health-ranges/balanced-for-you

I’ve recently had the opportunity to try some meals from the Fast Diet Kitchen range. These are long-life ready meals that can be kept in the cupboard, designed for you to eat two a day – usually a soup and a main meal. They cost between £4.75 and £6 per day, depending on how many you buy at one time. I’m not sure what the real connection between this supplier and Michael Mosley is, but their website states:

Our soups and main meals are there to support those who read the book and follow the advice given by Dr Michael Mosley and Mimi Spencer, and we believe this is reflected in the seamless branding and messages across the two sites and extends to a collaborative approach on our social media outlets.

http://www.fastdietkitchen.co.uk/our-story/

I can see the attraction, it’s all counted and balanced and easily stored without freezing or refrigeration. However, the two I have tried so far were very disappointing. I’ve had the Butternut Risotto – couldn’t taste any butternut, very bland and no texture – and the Moroccan Meatballs – slightly better but still kind of sloppy. Not a patch on the OMG pots from Cook. These will stay in the cupboard and no doubt get used in emergencies, but if I’m only going to eat one thing on a fast day I want it to be something delicious, and these just don’t live up to that standard. If they really are recommended by Mr. Mosley and his team, he needs to rethink his endorsement!

On next week's blog, super quick tasty low carb replacements for rice and pasta. I'm on a mission!

Is there anybody out there?

Hello?

*tap tap*

Is this working?

It’s been a while…

This time a year ago I was at my lowest weight in I don’t know how long. The intervening 12 months have been pretty full on, and fasting was not a priority. In fact, most of the time it wasn’t even on the To Do List. The last time I posted here, in September, I had regained around 5kg (9lb) of the 13kg (28lb) I had lost.

I’d spent most of the summer of 2014 incapacitated after the surgery on my ankle, having just moved house. I was just getting back on my feet (quite literally) when I found out I was having to up my hours and responsibilities at work, with a corresponding increase in stress. By the time I got to January I was in pure survival mode, getting though one day at a time, battling depression and anxiety as I went along.

My last crazy work day was Thursday 16 April, when the big project completed and my life could start returning to something approaching normal. On Monday 20 April I stepped on the scales, and I wished I hadn’t. Not only had I regained all the weight I had lost before, I’d added another 7lbs for good measure. That would explain the constant pain in my knees, as my poor joints struggled to support my increased weight.

I was faced with a horribly familiar decision. I could accept where I was and learn to live with it, I could try alternative methods to lose weight, or I could start 5:2 again. Having failed to keep off what I had lost on 5:2, I didn’t exactly feel like a poster child for its success. My few attempts at fasting over the previous 6 months had been abject failures, resulting in nausea, panic attacks and tears.

But somehow, having survived the insanity of work, the decision didn’t seem so tricky after all. I didn’t eat that day, and completed a second fast later that week, while in the office. I was craving sugar and having to stop myself picking at food that had easily re-established itself as habit, but I wasn’t that hungry, I wasn’t feeling sick, and I was feeling so much happier.

That was 3 weeks ago. I didn’t fast last week due to a number of social engagements, but I got back on track with a full fast yesterday, which was even easier than before. I reckon I’ve dumped the extra 7 lbs by now, and my knees are already thanking me. Just another 28 to go… it’s hard not to be disappointed about having to go over the same ground again but it would be worse to let things go the other way.

So here I am again, onwards and downwards.

Internal dialogue for a fast day

Wake up in the morning, bleary, not really awake, have to get up, don't want to get up, what shall I have for breakfast, oh damn not having breakfast today...

Give kids breakfast. Try not to think about what they are eating. Oh look there's the cake that was made yesterday, I'll have a bit of that later, oh no I won't. Damn. 

Put pot of coffee on. Take kids to school. Mums in the playground ask me to join them for coffee at Starbucks. Lovely. Meet them there later. They are eating bacon sandwiches. Damn. Black coffee......

Work work work emails phone calls work what shall I have for lunch, oh damn not having lunch today... More coffee...

If I eat the inside of my own mouth do I have to count the calories?

It's lunchtime, half the day gone, don't think about lunch, don't think about food...

OK. Think about food. Think about it properly. I'm not actually that hungry. My tummy is not feeling hollow, I'm not dizzy or nauseous, I'm perfectly fine to not eat anything. I just WANT to eat, I want the sensation of food in my mouth, I want the flavour, the chewing, the swallowing...

Oh look there's the box of chocolates I was given last week no No NO NOOOO!!!!!

Quick trip out to physiotherapy, oh look there's that lovely deli with all the delicious food - WALK. AWAY. NOW.

Back home more work, emails, conference calls. Nope, can't stand it any longer, I have to eat. Microwave an instant meal. Tastes like food of the gods. Take half an hour to eat it, making every mouthful last as long as humanly possible.

A respite of an hour or so when I don't think about food every minute. Fetch kids from after-school club. Feed them. Feed boyfriend. Don't inhale, don't smell the food, there are probably calories in the vapours. Don't look at the bottle of wine chilling in the fridge. Don't even think about the slice of pizza the kids didn't eat. Oh look another utterly delicious ready meal. I really ought to plan some better food. 

Wrestle kids to bed. Watch TV. Ignore tummy rumbling. NOW it rumbles. I've eaten already, dammit! Don't think about cheese. Crap I just thought about cheese. How many calories in one slice? Walk away from the fridge. Is it bed time yet? Is it tomorrow yet?

A note on depression

There have been a lot of articles on the web about depression recently, in the aftermath of Robin Williams’ tragic death. I hope that some people have gained some understanding and empathy as a result. Depression is a difficult disease to understand even if you are living with it; almost impossible if you have no experience of it. I have lived with it for most of my life, and I still learned new things from reading the many comments and notes.

The timeliest reminder for me from all the information is that there is no cure. Some people do recover from depressive episodes, but for the vast majority of sufferers it is a chronic illness. The symptoms can be relieved, and it is very possible to learn to cope and live a joyful life despite it, but it never actually goes away. It has to be vigilantly managed.

I am one of the lucky ones. My depression is well controlled with medication. This hasn't always been the case. I've tried various drugs over the last 20 odd years, some more effective than others. Some made me very sleepy, others had little to no effect. One had addictive properties that meant if I missed a dose I would get dizzy spells and hand tremors. That was fun to come off. I've also had various courses of talking therapies, most successfully with Cognitive Behavioural Therapy. I have avoided deep psycho-analysis as I honestly believe that this is a chemical problem; analysing my childhood won’t make it go away. I need practical coping strategies to deal with a biological defect in my brain.

As with so many chronic illnesses, when you have a period of remission, when the symptoms recede, there is a strong temptation to believe that recovery is permanent, and treatment is no longer required. I've repeated this damaging behaviour on many occasions, most recently earlier this year. I had not had any significant symptoms for over a year, I felt happy and content. More importantly, I felt in control. So I stopped taking my meds, truly believing that this time I had actually got better.

I hadn't. I lasted a couple of months before tearfully admitting defeat and starting back on the meds, and mentally kicking myself. There have been so many times when I have explained to both others and myself that I need to take these drugs for the rest of my life, and that this is ok, and that I have accepted it. Why do I put myself through it? I’m writing this down partly in the hope that next time I have this urge to quit, I remember more clearly why I shouldn't.

I am not yet back to the happy place I was earlier this year. I’m not nearly as bad as I have been in the past, but I've definitely been better. It’s not possible to tell whether this decline in my mood and energy levels would have happened anyway. I've had surgery and I've quit smoking, both of which are big causes of stress. Maybe I would have felt like this anyway, even if I hadn't had the break from medication. What I do know is that it is possible for me to feel better, to feel normal and to take joy in every day. So I will keep taking the pills and doing all the other things that I know help me feel better, and wait.

Further reading

Depressive illness: the curse of the strong

MIND http://www.mind.org.uk/

One year on: gains and losses

In just over a week it will be a year since my first fast day. The good news is that I will finish the year a fair bit lighter than I started it. I'm guessing I will be around the 10% weight loss mark. The not so great news is... that I will be only 10% lighter than when I started, when I had hoped to be a lot further down the line by this time. The reality is that I haven't fasted consistently since around February, so I can't be too surprised. If you don't work the system, it won't work...

I think there is a certain amount of hubris going on here. Looking back at some of my blog posts there was a smugness that my new found way of life was completely bedded in and I simply couldn't imagine going back to a life without regular fasting. Guess what?! Not only not fasting but I have slipped back into lots of old habits involving eating when I'm not hungry, daily wine drinking and excessive sugar consumption.

It's tempting to blame much of this recent behaviour on a combination of quitting smoking and recuperating from my operation. I will certainly admit to feeling very sorry for myself. I've been physically exhausted for a couple of months since the surgery which has made everything seem more difficult. And while giving up smoking has been relatively simple - I switched to an e-cig for a week or so then stopped completely on the day of the op - I do really miss it. 

I feel quite resentful. My little pleasures are being eroded. My daily glass (or three) of wine - can't have that, too many calories, too bad for my health. The cigarette with my coffee - can't have that, terrible for my health and too expensive. The snacks and treats - can't have those, dreadful for my weight. Regular meals? Only on 5 days a week!

What am I left with? Thank goodness for coffee. The theme of the rest of my life appears to be about restriction, abstinence and giving things up. And I DON'T LIKE IT! Apparently this is called getting old. I've taken to posting pictures of my garden plants on Facebook. One of my friends accused me of being middle-aged. It's depressing. Apart from the gardening. I'm proving her right by actually loving that part. Unfortunately I can't go and do a quick spot of pruning whenever I want a smoke.

So where do I go from here? Well apparently I'm not alone in feeling that I'm in a bit of a funk. There are a few others in my wonderful Facebook group of 5:2ers who are struggling too. One of the advantages of 5:2 is that it's a long term, slow burn, chip away at it type of strategy. This is also one of it's downsides - you do have to be committed and just - keep - going.

In an effort to lift the group and in turn be lifted myself, I'm running a summer challenge from next Monday. The idea is to encourage, prod, support and generally inspire those of us in need of getting back on track. Everyone will have slightly different details, but my personal challenges are as follows:

1. Fasting. 2 days a week. Every week. This is something most of the group do anyway but some of us need remedial school...

2. Exercise. I can't do anything terribly aerobic but I need to be rigorous about doing my physio exercise every single day. If I'm signed off to walk during the challenge I will add a 20 minute walk daily.

3. Abstinence. No, not that kind... I'm going to refrain from alcohol on weekdays for the duration, as this will give my health a boost too.

The challenge will run for 4 weeks, after which I'm going on holiday for a week at an all-inclusive resort, so I need me some good habits before then! Participants will be checking in daily and I'll be posting a cheery, uplifting or plain silly song to get us moving. If I have to adjust to cope with getting old then at least I will do it in good company and with a decent soundtrack. Onwards and downwards!

Fasting? What fasting?

Can it really be two months since I last posted here? Apparently so. I'm not exactly sure when the last time I fasted was, but it's been at least a month. My fasting and weight loss journey has definitely hit a few road bumps since getting to that magical 2 stone loss back in February. I went from not being able to imagine not fasting every week, to taking some time out, to trying different methods, to not fasting at all.

I've had a lot going on. As well as the manic work period that lasted from early February to mid April, I moved house at the same time as I had a badly sprained back and was barely able to walk without pain let alone pack or lift any boxes. Most of April was spent recovering from the back injury, trying to get the house straight (the plaster falling off the bedroom walls was a highlight) and preparing for my birthday/housewarming party in early May. I did manage to keep things relatively under control, and despite gaining a few pounds in March, by the end of April I was back at my lowest weight from February.

Having successfully treated my hip issue I needed to do some rehabilitation/strength training for my core muscles to support the newly aligned pelvis. Trouble was, every time I did any balancing exercises on my left ankle, it swelled up like a tennis ball from when I sprained it over two years ago. Frustratingly I had to stop the rehab programme, and in March I got yet another referral to an orthopaedic surgeon. 

Due to all the things going on, I didn't manage to get booked in for the consultation until the start of May. Things moved very quickly after that, with a swift MRI showing flattened and torn tendons, a bunch of scar tissue and a bone cyst on the end of my fibula. Two weeks later I had surgery to correct all this and I'm writing this two weeks further on with my foot in a cast. I've been off work since the surgery and unable to put any weight on that side. The cast is being taken off tomorrow and I will start yet more physio, and hopefully will be able to work from home.

A side effect off all this was that the surgeon required me to stop smoking before the op, so I'm now 25 days smoke free. I used an e-cig for the first week or so but stopped that when I had the op and haven't really needed it. I will keep it handy for when I'm back out in the world.

The upshot of all this is that May was a write-off for fasting. With the giving up smoking I gained a whole load of weight back, and before the op weighed in at 101kg, a gain of nearly 12 pounds, which is really very depressing. I know there have been a lot of distractions and stresses, but part of why I felt that 5:2 was so right for me was that it could fit in around pretty much any activities and life changes. Apparently not - well not for me anyway.

Knowing I would be spending two weeks basically in bed, I've been trying to be very mindful about what I've been eating. The lovely people who got the short straws for looking after me had strict instructions to limit the availability of sugary snacks, so I've had to beg for cake when I wanted it! I also didn't drink any alcohol (well, 2 half glasses of wine over 2 weeks is hardly any!) mostly because getting up to pee is a complete pain! 

When the cast is off tomorrow I'll be able to assess the damage and see what my current challenge is. I know that it's all part of the journey, and that getting my ankle fixed and giving up smoking will set me up for a much healthier future. But it's infuriating to have to repeat the hard work of losing what I already lost once before, and it's hard for me to imagine getting any further than I did before. However I will definitely get back on the fasting train, the question is really when will I be able to start to fit in around my ankle rehab. The sooner the better I guess!

Day something or other: plateaus and body shape

Some lovely new friends were asking about reading my blog yesterday so I thought I'd better write something...

Last weeks renewed fasting efforts paid off with 2 pounds gone, so I'm back at the magical 2 stone loss mark and hoping that another one will give up the fight this week to get me back to where I was before my break. I'm finding the fasting easy at the moment, the hunger is no problem to deal with. This is despite the chaos of the house move, the continuing back pain and currently a sick child at home off school. Non-fast days are another matter, with some of those pesky snacking habits proving harder to ignore after indulging myself on the break. One day at a time...

A couple of thoughts which have come up over on my Facebook group.

Plateaus

As I've mentioned before, I've generally held a very literal view of how weight loss works: energy in (from food) less energy out (from exercise) equals weight loss or gain. Unfortunately our bodies are rather sneaky, and they adjust the efficiency with which energy is used depending on lots of different interrelated factors. Pretty much anyone who has tried to lose weight has experienced the plateau effect - where the diet that once worked beautifully suddenly grinds to a halt. It's very discouraging and frustrating, as there seems to be no logical reason for it, in my literal view anyway.

The following article explains some of the reasons for it, and the ways to defeat it. Part of the reason relates to the fact that your new smaller body needs less food. Yes, the reward for losing weight is having to eat less. How unfair is that? Solutions include altering the diet pattern to nudge the body into a different reaction, adding more exercise, and just sticking with it until you body gets with the program again.

http://www.npr.org/blogs/health/2013/07/29/202655878/how-to-escape-the-diet-plateau

BMI, body shape and weight

We all get rather obsessed with the numbers on the dial, and BMI is still a well used yardstick despite its known flaws. So much is dependent on body frame that comparing numbers with other people often produces surprising results, as this article shows. (The ladies in the picture all weigh exactly the same.)

http://fozmeadows.tumblr.com/post/80930076791/female-bodies-a-weighty-issue

I read a while back about a lady doing 5:2 who was exactly the same height as me, and had gone from a UK size 20-22 (again the same as my starting size) to size 12-14. This was great news and she looked marvelous. The part that did my head in was that her starting weight was a full 2 stone lighter than me. Same height, same size, 2 stone difference in weight. 

I recall being told as a child that I have heavy bones. I'm starting to believe it. It also occurred to me that when I got married over 15 years ago, I wore a size 16 dress and distinctly remember weighing around 12 stone at the time. So I could lose another 3 stones and still only drop one dress size (I'm wearing an 18 now).

Ultimately the focus needs to be on good health. My Facebook team are great at reminding me of this. The numbers are simply a way of measuring progress and keeping me on the right track. At least that's what I keep telling myself :)

Day Sixty-three... I think?

I've lost track a bit of the count of fasting days. The past month has been crazy and challenging and I've been focused on survival. Things on my plate have included...

• The busiest and most stressful fortnight of the year at work
• Completing the purchase of my new house
• Arranging for one of the rooms to be re-plastered after all the walls fell off during a redecorating attempt
• Starting packing and moving boxes from one house to the other
• Spraining my back, resulting in so much pain I ended up in A&E at one point, and meaning I can do very little practical physical house moving activity
• Complete stop on all efforts to fix my hip and ankle
• Attempting to switch from cigarettes to an e-cig, not entirely successfully
• Daughter starting Brownies and all the additional childcare arrangements required to get her there on a day I'm at work in London
• Negotiating with my ex over exchanging bits of furniture from my old house

There's probably more, it's felt pretty full on. Not all negative though - I'm writing this sat at my desk in my wonderful new house, I got a great performance review and bonus at work, the lovely boyfriend has laid beautiful new wood floor in two rooms, and my amazing friends and family have been helping me through my back injury every day. 

The garden at the new place isn't exactly overgrown but is somewhat unkempt. There are a few pretty blooms making an appearance this week, so I'm looking forward to what we can achieve here too.

 The upshot is that I stopped fasting for about 2 weeks. It was just too much to cope with and wasn't helping me. Once I realised I would need a break, I set a time limit on it, and last week got straight back into it. I was apprehensive about how hard it would be to restart, particularly given how much I was struggling with the fasts just before I stopped. However it's actually been really easy. Today is the 4th fast of the re-booted campaign and I haven't had any difficulty so far. In fact, I think that taking the break has been beneficial, in that I now have evidence that I can put down and pick up this lifestyle as and when I need to.

I suspect I gained around half a stone in that 2 weeks break. It wasn't just a fasting break, it was also a break from all my new good habits, and involved a lot of cake and wine. I weighed last week and was 3 pounds up on my lowest weight in February, so I am hopeful that I will get back to that and then start losing more fairly quickly. I intend to weigh again tomorrow and see how I'm getting on.

The official move in day is on Saturday, and I have a great team of helpers coming to shift the heavy stuff and keep the kids entertained while we get things done. I'm hoping things will calm down a bit after that. They won't, of course, but I can live in hope.

Everything is awesome!

It's been a challenging week, with the kids on half term but having to work all the way through. Thankfully I am supported by amazing family and childcarers. I had a lovely day today with a good friend, taking the children out for lunch and to the Lego movie.

The day started particularly well as I weighed myself following yesterday's fast. Finally, finally, I lost that last pound, and an extra one for good measure. I'm now past that 2 stone hurdle and less than a pound away from the next whole stone marker. This makes me feel awesome. After the struggles of the last few weeks I had been wondering if I was going to have to change my approach but I'm now re-committed to sticking with the program.

An additional reason to celebrate is that I exchanged contracts on a new house yesterday. I'm hugely excited about moving out of my rental into my own home. It's going to be a busy few months and I'm looking forward to every minute.

Day Fifty-six: visualisation

First of all, thank-you to everyone who commented on my last post via Facebook, and in fact all my blitherings on over the last six months. Your support is greatly appreciated.

One of the lovely ladies in the Facebook group I belong to recently posted a link about how visualisation can help with weight loss (among other things). This can be a hugely powerful technique and is used by successful people in all types of activities. 

http://caloriecount.about.com/visualize-weight-loss-success-b325293

We all visualise, constantly. Mostly we are not aware of it. But we have perceptions and mental images that we use to interpret the world around us and our place in it. Having lived through long bouts of depression throughout my life, I know that our minds can act very simplistically in their reactions to events and images around us. It doesn't distinguish between reality and strongly imagined events. One of the causes of depression is the mind constantly imagining negative and untrue outcomes. The treatment of depression often involves using actions and deliberate thought patterns to persuade the brain out of the poor habits that exacerbate the underlying chemical conditions that cause the illness.

I know that I have a pretty poor mental image of my body. I do wonder whether this is part of the reason my progress has slowed down recently.

There is a phenomenon in the financial markets called resistance or technical trading levels. It happens when a share value approaches a certain level but doesn't break through it. This can happen near a round number in value. For example a stock will trade up from $8 to $9, creeping up towards $10, but when it gets to $9.95 it gets stuck and the price may fall again. Even though investors feel that stock is worth more, the fact that it is getting near a round number prevents them buying.

I feel like I'm mentally stuck at a technical limit just below a 2 stone weight loss. I've been so close for so long but just can't seem to get to it. I find it very difficult to imagine losing more weight. I particularly just can't get my head around the idea that I might one day not be overweight. I know I need to get past that if I'm going to get any further but it just seems completely incomprehensible. In the mean time I'll just keep plodding on and hope that I am pleasantly surprised, much as I have been up to this point.

Not quite there...

Why is it so much harder to appreciate your own successes than to dwell on perceived failure? I've lost 27 pounds since last August which is a great achievement for me. Up until Christmas this was a rate of over a pound a week. However it's taken over 6 weeks to drop the last 2 of those, and I'm still a pound off the elusive 2 stone mark. Uncharacteristically, this has made me feel it's all a bit pointless and I've been hitting the biscuits.

There is no chance of me stopping doing the fasts, but I do wonder if I need to revise my expectations a bit. It's all been going so well I had hoped (assumed?) that it would carry on at much the same rate. I think I may need to accept that as long as it's not going back on, any further losses will be a bonus rather than to be expected.

I know that I could change this by more closely monitoring and restricting what I eat (and drink) on non-fast days. Many of the other people I have met who follow this plan and stick carefully to their TDDE (http://thefastdiet.co.uk/how-many-calories-on-a-non-fast-day/) on non-fast days have much more consistent results. But I really don't want to do it. To me that smacks of diets and control and is the road to obsession and misery. 

I think I eat pretty sensibly on non-fast days. My portion control and snacking habits have completely changed in the last 6 months and I'm happy with my approach to food. The reality is, I need to balance how I want to eat with what I can expect as far as my weight is concerned. 

The biscuits are a temporary aberration. I remind myself that I've done pretty well so far and whatever happens from here on, I can be proud of the success I have had. I would really, really like to just lose that one more pound though...

Day Fifty-two: nearly six months on

Hello strangers. I seem to have fallen out of the habit of writing here, although thankfully not out of the habit of fasting. It's very nearly six months since my first fast day - 6 August 2013. I will be doing my 53rd fast on 6 February and will do a full weigh-in/measure/photos the day after.

January has been a very busy month. There wasn't much time to recover after the madness of Christmas before we got into two important family birthdays and a week off work, all of which disrupted the normal routine. I did weigh myself last week, four weeks after the pre-Christmas weigh in, and had lost a single pound. I suspect that despite my best fasting efforts over Christmas I probably put some weight back on, so may have spent the early part of January dropping that off again. Anyway, this puts me just 2 pounds away from a full 2 stone loss since I started, so I am crossing my fingers and being mindful on my non-fast days in the hope that I can hit that target this week. I've decided that going forward I am going to weigh myself every 2 weeks rather than once a month, so I can keep better track of what is and isn't working.

I appear to have reached the stage where people have started commenting on my weight loss. In the last week, three different people have mentioned it, and it gives me a boost every time. I definitely feel different. I tried to find something that weighs 2 stone the other day, and ended up with a pile of 5 house bricks. I struggled to lift them all together. Given that I am not carrying that around with me every day anymore, it's not surprising that I feel better.

I also feel more confident about how I look. I caught sight of myself in the ladies room mirror at work the other week. I was wearing a dress I bought a back in September (http://darklingplainfast.blogspot.co.uk/2013/09/day-nine-when-does-it-become-habit.html) which I was delighted to slip in to as its a size 18. I'm generally an expert at being in rooms with full length mirrors and not looking at them at all. However this time, rather than quickly glancing away, I stopped and had a good look. I'm not going to say that I was delighted with the image in the mirror, but at least I wasn't horrified. The dress hangs very differently to when I bought it, and I suspect I won't be able to wear it for much longer. Thankfully Dream is shrinking out of her dresses too so I am slowly stealing them from her.

I have a long way to go. Sitting here typing this, I occasionally glance down at my belly, bulging out over the top of my jeans, a constant reminder of the work still to be done. But for once in my life, I'm confident I can do it.

Day Forty-five: the towel test

Anyone who is slightly (a lot) larger than average will recognise the towel problem encountered at hotels, spas, gyms (?!) and the like. Any towels provided are generally the smallest possible they can get away with. If you are a stick insect I'm sure they wrap snugly around your sleek form with no problems, but in my case I'm sometimes hard pressed to get the ends to meet at all. 

It's not an issue in a hotel room, although slightly irritating, but at a spa or pool where you want at least a pretence of modesty, it can be embarrassing. If I'm lucky I can just about tuck the ends in around my chest but am left with a glaring expanse of wobbling thigh causing heart failure in those of a delicate disposition. I have been known to take my own super-size dressing gown to spas with me to spare the need for medical intervention.

At home I have dealt with this by buying the most enormous extra-large towels I can find. I have several that cross over properly at the top and comfortably meet around my thighs with a few inches to spare. I noticed however yesterday, that I'm having to wrap the towel further and further under my arms to get it to stay up. My measurements aren't showing a massive inch reduction but the towel shows a noticeable difference in this particular aspect of my shape. I don't think I'm ready to risk using a standard towel in public but it's these unexpected small alterations to everyday activities that are so great to achieve.

In the meantime I am settling back into my normal routine, fasting in the office today with my flask of coffee. Monday was a bit different for me as my kids were home but we kept busy and I only had a momentary pang when I treated them to their last treat of the holiday - fish and chips for supper. It would have been fine if the younger one hadn't left half her food on her plate for me to clear up. I am grateful at least that she knows how to stop eating when she is full. I did, of course, resist despite the delicious aroma of temptation.

My fasts this year are enhanced by the fact that my lovely boyfriend has started 5:2 as well. Being a lanky fellow, he doesn't really need to lose any weight, but is doing it to gain the excellent health benefits and hopefully stave off incipient dementia ;) With any luck he will write another guest blog post to share how he is getting on. He is, of course, a hoopy frood who always knows where his towel is.

Day Forty-three: 2014 Master list

I've never really done New Year resolutions. It seems like an arbitrary line to draw, and inevitably leads to failure, or at least a perception of failure. I do however like writing lists, in particular when I get to cross stuff off the list. I also think there is a great mental benefit to reviewing and remembering our successes, and lists are a simple way to achieve this. We so often fall into the habit of dwelling on the negative, thinking about things we haven't done or wish we hadn't done. So rather than making resolutions, I have decided to write a list of things I would like to get done this year. I will add to it and possibly take things off as I go along, making it a living record to consult when I need to remember that I am, in fact, rather good at some stuff.

So here is version one.

1. Weight loss goals - I have several mini-goals written elsewhere, but my overall goal for this year is to lose another 2 stone.
2. Walking. By the end of the year I hope to be walking at least 10 miles a week. This depends on getting my back/pelvis issues sorted, so I must do all the exercises prescribed by my physio to make this happen. I will invest in a measuring app to track my activity once I'm in a position to walk regularly.
3. Work. Complete the IR Diploma and any other tasks set by my manager in order to get promoted in 2015.
4. Writing. I used to write fiction. Granted, it was pretty awful fanfiction, but I enjoyed it a lot and got to know some great people in the writing community. I stopped pretty much on the day I separated from my ex. Maybe it was my outlet for dealing with the stress of the relationship and I didn't need it any more. Anyway I miss it and have a couple of story ideas rattling around in my head, so I aim to finish at least one of them this year.

In the meantime, I am on my first fast day of the year, about to go to my first physio session of the year, and looking forward to great things. I'll leave you with Woodie Guthrie's list of "rulin's" from 1942, courtesy of Brain Pickings. I particularly like numbers 13, 19, 20, 31 and 33.

http://www.brainpickings.org/index.php/2013/01/01/four-famous-new-years-resolution-lists-jonathan-swift-susan-sontag-marilyn-monroe-woody-guthrie/

Day Forty-two: last fast of the year

The Christmas season is always a challenge for those of us with food control issues, so despite feeling more relaxed and confident than I can ever remember, I didn't set my expectations too high. My plan was to fast as normal the Monday before Christmas, and for most of the day on Tuesday, and then not again until yesterday. 

As it turned out, I got through Monday just fine until an overwhelming desire for a glass of wine hit me in the evening, which I caved into. Hey, it's Christmas. I made it 'til about 3pm on the Tuesday and then gave up altogether. This has shown me that doing 2 fast days back to back would not be a great idea for me. However, it was possibly the emergency trip to Sainsbury's tipped me over the edge. We had booked a fabulous Christmas Day lunch at a local pub, which was sadly flooded and couldn't open, hence the trolley dash to buy ingredients for cooking at home. As always, Dream's fabulous kitchen skills saved the day.

We had a wonderful time, and I indulged myself with whatever I fancied to eat, which actually wasn't nearly as much as I used to. But by the end of Friday I felt in need of regaining some control, so I decided to fast on Saturday. It was a great relief and I felt so much better by the end of the day.

I fasted again yesterday, my last fast of the year. It was more effort than the Saturday, probably because I'd only had one normal day in between. But I made it under 500kCal and feel I'm all set to start the new year in great shape to achieve my new goals.

Happy New Year!

Day Thirty-nine: the 26 hour fast, pre-Christmas results and pelvic progress

I fasted for 26 hours without food from around 6:30pm on Thursday to 8:30pm on Friday. I then had a delicious 300cal meal from Cook (http://www.cookfood.net/menu/shop/chicken/Chicken-Noodle-Laksa-COOK-Pot/ - highly recommended) and didn't eat again for another 12 hours. I was rather proud of myself but honestly it wasn't that tricky. 

I was reasonably busy the whole time, including my second physio treatment. After last week's hip realignment I was pleased with the improvement in the ease of walking but my back and neck had been quite stiff and achey. Yesterday she worked on mobilising my spine and waking up various muscles that haven't moved for an unknown amount of time, which I can already feel helping my posture. Unfortunately the treatment involved a fair amount of intense shoving which has left me feeling rather battered today. Apparently I have visible bruises on my back. As always, I'm being very well cared for at home by my marvelous support team, and I'm sure it will be worth the short term discomfort for the long term gain.

In the meantime, I weighed myself this morning, prior to the expected indulgence of the coming week. I'm absolutely delighted to report that I lost another 1.5kg in the past 3 weeks, taking me down to 15 stone 5 pounds, below my 10% goal and 3 pounds short of a full 2 stone loss since starting. When I set the goal at the start of September I wrote that this seemed like a massive amount to lose (24 pounds) and it still does, I can't quite believe it. I'm enormously pleased with my early Christmas present and feel I can go from strength to strength.

Having achieved 2 of the 3 goals I set at that time (http://darklingplainfast.blogspot.co.uk/2013/09/goals.html) I need to now look forward. My shrink goal of getting my waist below 80cm is still a way off, so here are my next mini weight loss goals:

1. Lose 2 stone (3 pounds to go)
2. Get to under 15 stone (6 pounds to go)
3. Lose 15% of my starting weight (11 pounds to go)

I'm not planning to weigh again until late January/early February so I hope to make good progress by then.

Happy Christmas everyone :)

Day Thirty-eight: food allergies and locked knees

I'm fasting on a Tuesday for a change. I had to work in the office yesterday as I had a team lunch to attend, so fasting wasn't an option. It felt very odd, particularly after a rather boozy pre-Christmas weekend, I found myself rather missing it. To make matters worse, I had a nasty reaction to the delicious food laid on at the posh Japanese restaurant. I have a known crab allergy, and despite being careful I suspect I accidentally ate some. The rest of the day was spent lying quietly in a darkened room. I've never looked forward to a fast so much before! I'm much better this morning and enjoying feeling empty and healthy! I'm also wearing one of Dream's old dresses - the excellent news for both of us being that it is now too big on her, having lost over a stone, and it fits me instead :)

I'll be fasting again on Friday this week - not my usual Thursday as I am out the night before and don't fancy it on the inevitable hangover! I then plan to fit one more in next Monday before giving over to Christmas indulgence completely. Normal service will resume the following Monday 30th December. I intend to weigh next weekend and then not again until 1st February to give myself plenty of time to recover!

In the meantime, I had my first session with a physio for my PGP on Friday. I'm delighted to report that she knew exactly what the problem was and was optimistic that she could improve things a great deal, to the extent that I should, at some point, be able to resume walking regularly. She didn't set a target timescale, as this will depend on how well I respond to treatment. My right pelvic bone (ilium) is canted forward at a slight angle, causing the pain and mobility issues. She made some adjustments to my pelvis and hip joint which have left it moving much more freely but also caused rather a lot of lower back pain - to be expected as muscles and joints re-align. 

I'm attempting to be mindful about my posture - not an easy task for a lifetime sloucher - and to prevent my knees hyperextending. Apparently I have hyper mobile ligaments which contribute a lot to the problems. This picture isn't my leg, but mine looks much the same, you can see the weird reverse curve. 

When I make the effort to unlock my knee, my leg straightens and my pelvis aligns into a more natural position. Amazing. This skeleton diagram shows the knock on effects on the pelvis and spine:

No wonder everything hurts! I'm determined to overcome this, so I'm  being mindful not just about my eating but my posture too. Next appointment with the physio on Friday. Things can only get better.

Day Thirty-six: bits and pieces

The GP was sympathetic last week, if not exactly brimming with advice. She had not dealt with PGP before but after prodding and poking a bit, during which I attempted not to terrify the other patients waiting outside with too much screaming, she agreed that I needed referral to physiotherapy. My next challenge is therefore to find a therapist with specific PGP training, who is also covered by my health insurance.

I also got a lovely email from a lady at the Pelvic Partnership with lots of helpful advice and support, including this:

Some people are enormously overweight and don't get PGP, and other people are stick thin and do. Carrying excessive weight doesn't help the joints and muscles to cope, but it's not the cause of the misalignment or rotated joints which almost always turn out to be the cause of PGP.

Exercises, crutches, support belts and painkillers can help relieve some of the symptoms but as they do not address the underlying cause of the pain; they will not "cure" PGP.

So I feel quite justified in kicking up a fuss for some treatment now!

In the mean time, I have officially retired my size 20 trousers. I put a pair on for work last week and they looked so ridiculous I had to take them off again. Luckily I have lots of size 18s saved from years ago to keep me going, and I generally wear a lot more dresses these days anyway. I think I might keep one or two of the biggest items at the back of the cupboard to remind me where I have come from.

I did a little review of my goals. I hadn't reset my 10% after adjusting for the new scales, and am delighted to see I'm only 3 pounds away from it. I've added in some other milestones to my tracking document, measuring progress in different ways such as amount lost in stones, pounds or kilos, or as a percentage, and hitting certain round numbers weights like getting below x stone. Once I hit the 10% goal my next marker will be a total loss of 2 stone - four additional pounds needed for that one. After that I can set my sights on getting below 15 stone. All these different ways of looking at it are just a few pounds apart so I can feel a real sense of achievement as I take small steps along the way.

I've settled into a fast day routine of not eating at all during the day, and then having a small meal in the evening. I don't think I'm hitting 500kCal in that one meal, probably less than 400 and I'm full up. I'm really noticing that I don't need to eat as much in between now too - two meals a day is enough most days. I'm sure if I was going more physical activity I would need more, so fingers crossed I can get some treatment that will let me make that a reality.

Day Thirty-five: off topic - pelvic girdle pain

Apparently, some studies show that intermittent fasting boosts brain power. I'm not entirely convinced today, as I'm struggling to write a particularly troublesome report for work. I'm putting my difficulty with concentrating partly down to having to deal with fairly constant pain in my hip. So this post isn't about fasting, but brings together various themes which are related to my journey, namely health, gender, pain and weight.

Just over 5 years ago I had a baby, my second child, another beloved daughter. The pregnancy and delivery were pretty much a nightmare from beginning to end, and the consequences of the experience are still with me today. I could point at various mistakes and oversights made in my health care during that time and continuing since then, but I don't think there is any positive reason to do so. The reality is that I have to deal with where I am now.

Since the end of that pregnancy I have suffered intermittent intense pain in my groin. This ranges from an unpleasant ache to agonising stabbing pain, the feeling that my pelvis is coming apart, and shooting pains down my legs. Turning or moving my leg in a particular way can leave me literally gasping for breath and unable to move. I can go months without any symptoms at all, and then something will trigger a flare up and I'm back on walking sticks. Triggers tend to be any kind of exercise more rigorous than a gentle stroll to the end of the road and back. As a result I have done next to no exercise over this time - each attempt has ended in more pain.

I have asked for, and been referred for various types of treatment over the years. Some have been covered on the NHS or my health insurance, others I have paid for myself. I have worn support belts, I have had obstetric physiotherapy, osteopathy and chiropractic. As I can avoid pain by basically being a couch potato, I'm not considered an urgent case. The last time I asked my GP for help following a particularly acute episode this summer, I was told there was no point getting treatment unless I lost weight. As it turns out, this was the kick I needed to get started on 5:2, for which I am grateful. However, now being in the middle of another flare up, I find I am no longer prepared to wait until I reach some arbitrary desired weight before attempting to seek treatment again.

I've tried Googling many times before to see if there is any advice or treatment I could research, but most of the information I found was related to how to manage the problem during pregnancy, which didn't really help me. Part of the problem was not knowing what the problem was called, or if it even had a name. While I was pregnant I was told it was called "Symphysis Pubis Dysfunction", or SPD. It was then renamed "Pelvic Pain in Pregnancy", or PPP. Again, this didn't help given that I am no longer pregnant, so none of the information was relevant. I finally found that the current term used is Pelvic Girdle Pain or PGP, and hey presto, I found all sorts of useful information, including acknowledgement and treatment of this as a long-term problem.

My new friend is the Pelvic Partnership - http://www.pelvicpartnership.org.uk/

Here is what I have learned. Pelvic girdle pain is usually caused by an asymmetry or change of normal movement or alignment in the pelvic joints – a mechanical joint problem. Frequently in PGP one of the three joints in the pelvis, often one of the SI joints at the back, becomes slightly stuck and the joints start to move asymmetrically. This then puts extra strain on the other joints which start to move differently and can become irritated and inflamed, leading to PGP.

In pregnant women this is usually triggered by abnormal pressures on the pelvis, by the loosening of the ligaments that hold the pelvis together due to the hormone relaxin, and in some cases by childbirth itself. Women are often told that their pelvic pain is due to:

• round ligament pain
• hormones
• sciatica
• trapped nerve
• normal aches and pains of pregnancy
• low back pain
• nerve irritation; 

and that it is not treatable and will get better on its own, or as soon as the baby is born. Many women have discovered later that it was pelvic girdle pain and could have been treated as soon as symptoms occurred. PGP also occurs in sportsmen, such as rugby players, and they are treated quickly and effectively with the same range of techniques as those used for pregnancy-related PGP.

This all gives me some hope, but also slightly depresses me. I have definitely been in the camp of thinking that this was just something I was going to have to live with, as a woman and a mother, and as a person who is obese. It has limited my lifestyle choices drastically over the last 5 years, ranging from not being able to exercise, to sometimes not being able to participate in normal family activities like playing with my children. Maybe I should have shouted louder, but all the professional feedback I have had is that it's too vague and too difficult and I should take care of it myself by doing Pilates and stop complaining.

I'm going to see a new GP this evening and am hopeful that armed with my new knowledge I can start down the road to recovery. If my GP is not helpful at least I know where to look for better information and support.

Day Thirty-three and a half: the day of reckoning

The rooms in my post-divorce house are quite small, but my post-divorce bed is very big (do you see my priorities here?) so it only just fits in my bedroom. It's possible to walk between the end of the bed and the wall quite easily up to one corner where an old chimney breast sticks out a bit and makes the last bit of the gap quite about two-thirds the width of the rest. At the time I bought the bed, I could just about squish through, with a bit of wriggling, as long as I was wearing something reasonably smooth. I avoided doing it if at all possible.

Yesterday morning I slipped through the gap with no problems. I still touch the sides but I think I'd have to be a stick insect not to. I wouldn't have thought of setting that as a goal or way of measuring my progress, but it's unexpected things like this that show me in a very practical way how far I've come.

Despite this, I wasn't very optimistic about weighing myself this weekend. After the unscheduled encounter with the scales two weeks ago I wasn't expecting much. I made an extra effort this week however - no alcohol at all during the week and my Day 33 fast came in at under 200 kCal even though I found myself at home with a sick kid all day.

But, my diary said weigh day today, so I stepped on the scales first thing this morning and was delighted to find another 4 pounds gone! Hurrah for me! So the total now stands at 21 pounds off (= 1 and 1/2 stone or 9.5kg). I'm now under 100kg (99.3) and absolutely delighted. I have another 5 pounds to go to hit my 10% goal that I set at the start of September. My other goal from that time was to get my waist measurement below 31.5 inches which is still a fair way off - here are my current stats:

	2 Aug 13	1 Dec 13
Waist	47	41
Under bust	42	38
Full bust	46	44
Hips	54	50.5
R thigh	30	27.5
R arm	14.5	13

With Christmas coming up I'm not going to worry about achieving much this month. I will carry on as normal and then weigh in three weeks time, before Christmas week itself. I'll be quite content staying where I am, a stone and a half lighter than I was 4 months ago.