Wake up in the morning, bleary, not really awake, have to get up, don't want to get up, what shall I have for breakfast, oh damn not having breakfast today...
Give kids breakfast. Try not to think about what they are eating. Oh look there's the cake that was made yesterday, I'll have a bit of that later, oh no I won't. Damn.
Put pot of coffee on. Take kids to school. Mums in the playground ask me to join them for coffee at Starbucks. Lovely. Meet them there later. They are eating bacon sandwiches. Damn. Black coffee......
Work work work emails phone calls work what shall I have for lunch, oh damn not having lunch today... More coffee...
If I eat the inside of my own mouth do I have to count the calories?
It's lunchtime, half the day gone, don't think about lunch, don't think about food...
OK. Think about food. Think about it properly. I'm not actually that hungry. My tummy is not feeling hollow, I'm not dizzy or nauseous, I'm perfectly fine to not eat anything. I just WANT to eat, I want the sensation of food in my mouth, I want the flavour, the chewing, the swallowing...
Oh look there's the box of chocolates I was given last week no No NO NOOOO!!!!!
Quick trip out to physiotherapy, oh look there's that lovely deli with all the delicious food - WALK. AWAY. NOW.
Back home more work, emails, conference calls. Nope, can't stand it any longer, I have to eat. Microwave an instant meal. Tastes like food of the gods. Take half an hour to eat it, making every mouthful last as long as humanly possible.
A respite of an hour or so when I don't think about food every minute. Fetch kids from after-school club. Feed them. Feed boyfriend. Don't inhale, don't smell the food, there are probably calories in the vapours. Don't look at the bottle of wine chilling in the fridge. Don't even think about the slice of pizza the kids didn't eat. Oh look another utterly delicious ready meal. I really ought to plan some better food.
Wrestle kids to bed. Watch TV. Ignore tummy rumbling. NOW it rumbles. I've eaten already, dammit! Don't think about cheese. Crap I just thought about cheese. How many calories in one slice? Walk away from the fridge. Is it bed time yet? Is it tomorrow yet?
Monday 15 September 2014
Thursday 11 September 2014
A note on depression
There have been a lot of articles on the web about
depression recently, in the aftermath of Robin Williams’ tragic death. I hope
that some people have gained some understanding and empathy as a result.
Depression is a difficult disease to understand even if you are living with it;
almost impossible if you have no experience of it. I have lived with it for
most of my life, and I still learned new things from reading the many comments
and notes.
The timeliest reminder for me from all the information is
that there is no cure. Some people do recover from depressive episodes, but for
the vast majority of sufferers it is a chronic illness. The symptoms can be
relieved, and it is very possible to learn to cope and live a joyful life
despite it, but it never actually goes away. It has to be vigilantly managed.
I am one of the lucky ones. My depression is well controlled
with medication. This hasn't always been the case. I've tried various drugs
over the last 20 odd years, some more effective than others. Some made me very
sleepy, others had little to no effect. One had addictive properties that meant
if I missed a dose I would get dizzy spells and hand tremors. That was fun to
come off. I've also had various courses of talking therapies, most successfully
with Cognitive Behavioural Therapy. I have avoided deep psycho-analysis as I
honestly believe that this is a chemical problem; analysing my childhood won’t
make it go away. I need practical coping strategies to deal with a biological
defect in my brain.
As with so many chronic illnesses, when you have a period of
remission, when the symptoms recede, there is a strong temptation to believe
that recovery is permanent, and treatment is no longer required. I've repeated
this damaging behaviour on many occasions, most recently earlier this year. I
had not had any significant symptoms for over a year, I felt happy and content.
More importantly, I felt in control. So I stopped taking my meds, truly
believing that this time I had actually got better.
I hadn't. I lasted a couple of months before tearfully
admitting defeat and starting back on the meds, and mentally kicking myself.
There have been so many times when I have explained to both others and myself
that I need to take these drugs for the rest of my life, and that this is ok,
and that I have accepted it. Why do I put myself through it? I’m writing this
down partly in the hope that next time I have this urge to quit, I remember
more clearly why I shouldn't.
I am not yet back to the happy place I was earlier this
year. I’m not nearly as bad as I have been in the past, but I've definitely
been better. It’s not possible to tell whether this decline in my mood and
energy levels would have happened anyway. I've had surgery and I've quit
smoking, both of which are big causes of stress. Maybe I would have felt like
this anyway, even if I hadn't had the break from medication. What I do know is
that it is possible for me to feel better, to feel normal and to take joy in
every day. So I will keep taking the pills and doing all the other things that
I know help me feel better, and wait.
Further reading
Friday 25 July 2014
One year on: gains and losses
In just over a week it will be a year since my first fast day. The good news is that I will finish the year a fair bit lighter than I started it. I'm guessing I will be around the 10% weight loss mark. The not so great news is... that I will be only 10% lighter than when I started, when I had hoped to be a lot further down the line by this time. The reality is that I haven't fasted consistently since around February, so I can't be too surprised. If you don't work the system, it won't work...
I think there is a certain amount of hubris going on here. Looking back at some of my blog posts there was a smugness that my new found way of life was completely bedded in and I simply couldn't imagine going back to a life without regular fasting. Guess what?! Not only not fasting but I have slipped back into lots of old habits involving eating when I'm not hungry, daily wine drinking and excessive sugar consumption.
It's tempting to blame much of this recent behaviour on a combination of quitting smoking and recuperating from my operation. I will certainly admit to feeling very sorry for myself. I've been physically exhausted for a couple of months since the surgery which has made everything seem more difficult. And while giving up smoking has been relatively simple - I switched to an e-cig for a week or so then stopped completely on the day of the op - I do really miss it.
I feel quite resentful. My little pleasures are being eroded. My daily glass (or three) of wine - can't have that, too many calories, too bad for my health. The cigarette with my coffee - can't have that, terrible for my health and too expensive. The snacks and treats - can't have those, dreadful for my weight. Regular meals? Only on 5 days a week!
What am I left with? Thank goodness for coffee. The theme of the rest of my life appears to be about restriction, abstinence and giving things up. And I DON'T LIKE IT! Apparently this is called getting old. I've taken to posting pictures of my garden plants on Facebook. One of my friends accused me of being middle-aged. It's depressing. Apart from the gardening. I'm proving her right by actually loving that part. Unfortunately I can't go and do a quick spot of pruning whenever I want a smoke.
So where do I go from here? Well apparently I'm not alone in feeling that I'm in a bit of a funk. There are a few others in my wonderful Facebook group of 5:2ers who are struggling too. One of the advantages of 5:2 is that it's a long term, slow burn, chip away at it type of strategy. This is also one of it's downsides - you do have to be committed and just - keep - going.
In an effort to lift the group and in turn be lifted myself, I'm running a summer challenge from next Monday. The idea is to encourage, prod, support and generally inspire those of us in need of getting back on track. Everyone will have slightly different details, but my personal challenges are as follows:
1. Fasting. 2 days a week. Every week. This is something most of the group do anyway but some of us need remedial school...
2. Exercise. I can't do anything terribly aerobic but I need to be rigorous about doing my physio exercise every single day. If I'm signed off to walk during the challenge I will add a 20 minute walk daily.
3. Abstinence. No, not that kind... I'm going to refrain from alcohol on weekdays for the duration, as this will give my health a boost too.
I think there is a certain amount of hubris going on here. Looking back at some of my blog posts there was a smugness that my new found way of life was completely bedded in and I simply couldn't imagine going back to a life without regular fasting. Guess what?! Not only not fasting but I have slipped back into lots of old habits involving eating when I'm not hungry, daily wine drinking and excessive sugar consumption.
It's tempting to blame much of this recent behaviour on a combination of quitting smoking and recuperating from my operation. I will certainly admit to feeling very sorry for myself. I've been physically exhausted for a couple of months since the surgery which has made everything seem more difficult. And while giving up smoking has been relatively simple - I switched to an e-cig for a week or so then stopped completely on the day of the op - I do really miss it.
I feel quite resentful. My little pleasures are being eroded. My daily glass (or three) of wine - can't have that, too many calories, too bad for my health. The cigarette with my coffee - can't have that, terrible for my health and too expensive. The snacks and treats - can't have those, dreadful for my weight. Regular meals? Only on 5 days a week!
What am I left with? Thank goodness for coffee. The theme of the rest of my life appears to be about restriction, abstinence and giving things up. And I DON'T LIKE IT! Apparently this is called getting old. I've taken to posting pictures of my garden plants on Facebook. One of my friends accused me of being middle-aged. It's depressing. Apart from the gardening. I'm proving her right by actually loving that part. Unfortunately I can't go and do a quick spot of pruning whenever I want a smoke.
So where do I go from here? Well apparently I'm not alone in feeling that I'm in a bit of a funk. There are a few others in my wonderful Facebook group of 5:2ers who are struggling too. One of the advantages of 5:2 is that it's a long term, slow burn, chip away at it type of strategy. This is also one of it's downsides - you do have to be committed and just - keep - going.
In an effort to lift the group and in turn be lifted myself, I'm running a summer challenge from next Monday. The idea is to encourage, prod, support and generally inspire those of us in need of getting back on track. Everyone will have slightly different details, but my personal challenges are as follows:
1. Fasting. 2 days a week. Every week. This is something most of the group do anyway but some of us need remedial school...
2. Exercise. I can't do anything terribly aerobic but I need to be rigorous about doing my physio exercise every single day. If I'm signed off to walk during the challenge I will add a 20 minute walk daily.
3. Abstinence. No, not that kind... I'm going to refrain from alcohol on weekdays for the duration, as this will give my health a boost too.
The challenge will run for 4 weeks, after which I'm going on holiday for a week at an all-inclusive resort, so I need me some good habits before then! Participants will be checking in daily and I'll be posting a cheery, uplifting or plain silly song to get us moving. If I have to adjust to cope with getting old then at least I will do it in good company and with a decent soundtrack. Onwards and downwards!
Thursday 5 June 2014
Fasting? What fasting?
Can it really be two months since I last posted here? Apparently so. I'm not exactly sure when the last time I fasted was, but it's been at least a month. My fasting and weight loss journey has definitely hit a few road bumps since getting to that magical 2 stone loss back in February. I went from not being able to imagine not fasting every week, to taking some time out, to trying different methods, to not fasting at all.
I've had a lot going on. As well as the manic work period that lasted from early February to mid April, I moved house at the same time as I had a badly sprained back and was barely able to walk without pain let alone pack or lift any boxes. Most of April was spent recovering from the back injury, trying to get the house straight (the plaster falling off the bedroom walls was a highlight) and preparing for my birthday/housewarming party in early May. I did manage to keep things relatively under control, and despite gaining a few pounds in March, by the end of April I was back at my lowest weight from February.
Having successfully treated my hip issue I needed to do some rehabilitation/strength training for my core muscles to support the newly aligned pelvis. Trouble was, every time I did any balancing exercises on my left ankle, it swelled up like a tennis ball from when I sprained it over two years ago. Frustratingly I had to stop the rehab programme, and in March I got yet another referral to an orthopaedic surgeon.
Due to all the things going on, I didn't manage to get booked in for the consultation until the start of May. Things moved very quickly after that, with a swift MRI showing flattened and torn tendons, a bunch of scar tissue and a bone cyst on the end of my fibula. Two weeks later I had surgery to correct all this and I'm writing this two weeks further on with my foot in a cast. I've been off work since the surgery and unable to put any weight on that side. The cast is being taken off tomorrow and I will start yet more physio, and hopefully will be able to work from home.
A side effect off all this was that the surgeon required me to stop smoking before the op, so I'm now 25 days smoke free. I used an e-cig for the first week or so but stopped that when I had the op and haven't really needed it. I will keep it handy for when I'm back out in the world.
The upshot of all this is that May was a write-off for fasting. With the giving up smoking I gained a whole load of weight back, and before the op weighed in at 101kg, a gain of nearly 12 pounds, which is really very depressing. I know there have been a lot of distractions and stresses, but part of why I felt that 5:2 was so right for me was that it could fit in around pretty much any activities and life changes. Apparently not - well not for me anyway.
Knowing I would be spending two weeks basically in bed, I've been trying to be very mindful about what I've been eating. The lovely people who got the short straws for looking after me had strict instructions to limit the availability of sugary snacks, so I've had to beg for cake when I wanted it! I also didn't drink any alcohol (well, 2 half glasses of wine over 2 weeks is hardly any!) mostly because getting up to pee is a complete pain!
When the cast is off tomorrow I'll be able to assess the damage and see what my current challenge is. I know that it's all part of the journey, and that getting my ankle fixed and giving up smoking will set me up for a much healthier future. But it's infuriating to have to repeat the hard work of losing what I already lost once before, and it's hard for me to imagine getting any further than I did before. However I will definitely get back on the fasting train, the question is really when will I be able to start to fit in around my ankle rehab. The sooner the better I guess!
I've had a lot going on. As well as the manic work period that lasted from early February to mid April, I moved house at the same time as I had a badly sprained back and was barely able to walk without pain let alone pack or lift any boxes. Most of April was spent recovering from the back injury, trying to get the house straight (the plaster falling off the bedroom walls was a highlight) and preparing for my birthday/housewarming party in early May. I did manage to keep things relatively under control, and despite gaining a few pounds in March, by the end of April I was back at my lowest weight from February.
Having successfully treated my hip issue I needed to do some rehabilitation/strength training for my core muscles to support the newly aligned pelvis. Trouble was, every time I did any balancing exercises on my left ankle, it swelled up like a tennis ball from when I sprained it over two years ago. Frustratingly I had to stop the rehab programme, and in March I got yet another referral to an orthopaedic surgeon.
Due to all the things going on, I didn't manage to get booked in for the consultation until the start of May. Things moved very quickly after that, with a swift MRI showing flattened and torn tendons, a bunch of scar tissue and a bone cyst on the end of my fibula. Two weeks later I had surgery to correct all this and I'm writing this two weeks further on with my foot in a cast. I've been off work since the surgery and unable to put any weight on that side. The cast is being taken off tomorrow and I will start yet more physio, and hopefully will be able to work from home.
A side effect off all this was that the surgeon required me to stop smoking before the op, so I'm now 25 days smoke free. I used an e-cig for the first week or so but stopped that when I had the op and haven't really needed it. I will keep it handy for when I'm back out in the world.
The upshot of all this is that May was a write-off for fasting. With the giving up smoking I gained a whole load of weight back, and before the op weighed in at 101kg, a gain of nearly 12 pounds, which is really very depressing. I know there have been a lot of distractions and stresses, but part of why I felt that 5:2 was so right for me was that it could fit in around pretty much any activities and life changes. Apparently not - well not for me anyway.
Knowing I would be spending two weeks basically in bed, I've been trying to be very mindful about what I've been eating. The lovely people who got the short straws for looking after me had strict instructions to limit the availability of sugary snacks, so I've had to beg for cake when I wanted it! I also didn't drink any alcohol (well, 2 half glasses of wine over 2 weeks is hardly any!) mostly because getting up to pee is a complete pain!
When the cast is off tomorrow I'll be able to assess the damage and see what my current challenge is. I know that it's all part of the journey, and that getting my ankle fixed and giving up smoking will set me up for a much healthier future. But it's infuriating to have to repeat the hard work of losing what I already lost once before, and it's hard for me to imagine getting any further than I did before. However I will definitely get back on the fasting train, the question is really when will I be able to start to fit in around my ankle rehab. The sooner the better I guess!
Thursday 3 April 2014
Day something or other: plateaus and body shape
Some lovely new friends were asking about reading my blog yesterday so I thought I'd better write something...
Last weeks renewed fasting efforts paid off with 2 pounds gone, so I'm back at the magical 2 stone loss mark and hoping that another one will give up the fight this week to get me back to where I was before my break. I'm finding the fasting easy at the moment, the hunger is no problem to deal with. This is despite the chaos of the house move, the continuing back pain and currently a sick child at home off school. Non-fast days are another matter, with some of those pesky snacking habits proving harder to ignore after indulging myself on the break. One day at a time...
A couple of thoughts which have come up over on my Facebook group.
Plateaus
As I've mentioned before, I've generally held a very literal view of how weight loss works: energy in (from food) less energy out (from exercise) equals weight loss or gain. Unfortunately our bodies are rather sneaky, and they adjust the efficiency with which energy is used depending on lots of different interrelated factors. Pretty much anyone who has tried to lose weight has experienced the plateau effect - where the diet that once worked beautifully suddenly grinds to a halt. It's very discouraging and frustrating, as there seems to be no logical reason for it, in my literal view anyway.
The following article explains some of the reasons for it, and the ways to defeat it. Part of the reason relates to the fact that your new smaller body needs less food. Yes, the reward for losing weight is having to eat less. How unfair is that? Solutions include altering the diet pattern to nudge the body into a different reaction, adding more exercise, and just sticking with it until you body gets with the program again.
http://www.npr.org/blogs/health/2013/07/29/202655878/how-to-escape-the-diet-plateau
BMI, body shape and weight
We all get rather obsessed with the numbers on the dial, and BMI is still a well used yardstick despite its known flaws. So much is dependent on body frame that comparing numbers with other people often produces surprising results, as this article shows. (The ladies in the picture all weigh exactly the same.)
http://fozmeadows.tumblr.com/post/80930076791/female-bodies-a-weighty-issue
I read a while back about a lady doing 5:2 who was exactly the same height as me, and had gone from a UK size 20-22 (again the same as my starting size) to size 12-14. This was great news and she looked marvelous. The part that did my head in was that her starting weight was a full 2 stone lighter than me. Same height, same size, 2 stone difference in weight.
I recall being told as a child that I have heavy bones. I'm starting to believe it. It also occurred to me that when I got married over 15 years ago, I wore a size 16 dress and distinctly remember weighing around 12 stone at the time. So I could lose another 3 stones and still only drop one dress size (I'm wearing an 18 now).
Ultimately the focus needs to be on good health. My Facebook team are great at reminding me of this. The numbers are simply a way of measuring progress and keeping me on the right track. At least that's what I keep telling myself :)
Last weeks renewed fasting efforts paid off with 2 pounds gone, so I'm back at the magical 2 stone loss mark and hoping that another one will give up the fight this week to get me back to where I was before my break. I'm finding the fasting easy at the moment, the hunger is no problem to deal with. This is despite the chaos of the house move, the continuing back pain and currently a sick child at home off school. Non-fast days are another matter, with some of those pesky snacking habits proving harder to ignore after indulging myself on the break. One day at a time...
A couple of thoughts which have come up over on my Facebook group.
Plateaus
As I've mentioned before, I've generally held a very literal view of how weight loss works: energy in (from food) less energy out (from exercise) equals weight loss or gain. Unfortunately our bodies are rather sneaky, and they adjust the efficiency with which energy is used depending on lots of different interrelated factors. Pretty much anyone who has tried to lose weight has experienced the plateau effect - where the diet that once worked beautifully suddenly grinds to a halt. It's very discouraging and frustrating, as there seems to be no logical reason for it, in my literal view anyway.
The following article explains some of the reasons for it, and the ways to defeat it. Part of the reason relates to the fact that your new smaller body needs less food. Yes, the reward for losing weight is having to eat less. How unfair is that? Solutions include altering the diet pattern to nudge the body into a different reaction, adding more exercise, and just sticking with it until you body gets with the program again.
http://www.npr.org/blogs/health/2013/07/29/202655878/how-to-escape-the-diet-plateau
BMI, body shape and weight
We all get rather obsessed with the numbers on the dial, and BMI is still a well used yardstick despite its known flaws. So much is dependent on body frame that comparing numbers with other people often produces surprising results, as this article shows. (The ladies in the picture all weigh exactly the same.)
http://fozmeadows.tumblr.com/post/80930076791/female-bodies-a-weighty-issue
I read a while back about a lady doing 5:2 who was exactly the same height as me, and had gone from a UK size 20-22 (again the same as my starting size) to size 12-14. This was great news and she looked marvelous. The part that did my head in was that her starting weight was a full 2 stone lighter than me. Same height, same size, 2 stone difference in weight.
I recall being told as a child that I have heavy bones. I'm starting to believe it. It also occurred to me that when I got married over 15 years ago, I wore a size 16 dress and distinctly remember weighing around 12 stone at the time. So I could lose another 3 stones and still only drop one dress size (I'm wearing an 18 now).
Ultimately the focus needs to be on good health. My Facebook team are great at reminding me of this. The numbers are simply a way of measuring progress and keeping me on the right track. At least that's what I keep telling myself :)
Wednesday 26 March 2014
Day Sixty-three... I think?
I've lost track a bit of the count of fasting days. The past month has been crazy and challenging and I've been focused on survival. Things on my plate have included...
The upshot is that I stopped fasting for about 2 weeks. It was just too much to cope with and wasn't helping me. Once I realised I would need a break, I set a time limit on it, and last week got straight back into it. I was apprehensive about how hard it would be to restart, particularly given how much I was struggling with the fasts just before I stopped. However it's actually been really easy. Today is the 4th fast of the re-booted campaign and I haven't had any difficulty so far. In fact, I think that taking the break has been beneficial, in that I now have evidence that I can put down and pick up this lifestyle as and when I need to.
- The busiest and most stressful fortnight of the year at work
- Completing the purchase of my new house
- Arranging for one of the rooms to be re-plastered after all the walls fell off during a redecorating attempt
- Starting packing and moving boxes from one house to the other
- Spraining my back, resulting in so much pain I ended up in A&E at one point, and meaning I can do very little practical physical house moving activity
- Complete stop on all efforts to fix my hip and ankle
- Attempting to switch from cigarettes to an e-cig, not entirely successfully
- Daughter starting Brownies and all the additional childcare arrangements required to get her there on a day I'm at work in London
- Negotiating with my ex over exchanging bits of furniture from my old house
There's probably more, it's felt pretty full on. Not all negative though - I'm writing this sat at my desk in my wonderful new house, I got a great performance review and bonus at work, the lovely boyfriend has laid beautiful new wood floor in two rooms, and my amazing friends and family have been helping me through my back injury every day.
The garden at the new place isn't exactly overgrown but is somewhat unkempt. There are a few pretty blooms making an appearance this week, so I'm looking forward to what we can achieve here too.
The upshot is that I stopped fasting for about 2 weeks. It was just too much to cope with and wasn't helping me. Once I realised I would need a break, I set a time limit on it, and last week got straight back into it. I was apprehensive about how hard it would be to restart, particularly given how much I was struggling with the fasts just before I stopped. However it's actually been really easy. Today is the 4th fast of the re-booted campaign and I haven't had any difficulty so far. In fact, I think that taking the break has been beneficial, in that I now have evidence that I can put down and pick up this lifestyle as and when I need to.
I suspect I gained around half a stone in that 2 weeks break. It wasn't just a fasting break, it was also a break from all my new good habits, and involved a lot of cake and wine. I weighed last week and was 3 pounds up on my lowest weight in February, so I am hopeful that I will get back to that and then start losing more fairly quickly. I intend to weigh again tomorrow and see how I'm getting on.
The official move in day is on Saturday, and I have a great team of helpers coming to shift the heavy stuff and keep the kids entertained while we get things done. I'm hoping things will calm down a bit after that. They won't, of course, but I can live in hope.
Friday 21 February 2014
Everything is awesome!
It's been a challenging week, with the kids on half term but having to work all the way through. Thankfully I am supported by amazing family and childcarers. I had a lovely day today with a good friend, taking the children out for lunch and to the Lego movie.
The day started particularly well as I weighed myself following yesterday's fast. Finally, finally, I lost that last pound, and an extra one for good measure. I'm now past that 2 stone hurdle and less than a pound away from the next whole stone marker. This makes me feel awesome. After the struggles of the last few weeks I had been wondering if I was going to have to change my approach but I'm now re-committed to sticking with the program.
An additional reason to celebrate is that I exchanged contracts on a new house yesterday. I'm hugely excited about moving out of my rental into my own home. It's going to be a busy few months and I'm looking forward to every minute.
The day started particularly well as I weighed myself following yesterday's fast. Finally, finally, I lost that last pound, and an extra one for good measure. I'm now past that 2 stone hurdle and less than a pound away from the next whole stone marker. This makes me feel awesome. After the struggles of the last few weeks I had been wondering if I was going to have to change my approach but I'm now re-committed to sticking with the program.
An additional reason to celebrate is that I exchanged contracts on a new house yesterday. I'm hugely excited about moving out of my rental into my own home. It's going to be a busy few months and I'm looking forward to every minute.
Monday 17 February 2014
Day Fifty-six: visualisation
First of all, thank-you to everyone who commented on my last post via Facebook, and in fact all my blitherings on over the last six months. Your support is greatly appreciated.
One of the lovely ladies in the Facebook group I belong to recently posted a link about how visualisation can help with weight loss (among other things). This can be a hugely powerful technique and is used by successful people in all types of activities.
http://caloriecount.about.com/visualize-weight-loss-success-b325293
We all visualise, constantly. Mostly we are not aware of it. But we have perceptions and mental images that we use to interpret the world around us and our place in it. Having lived through long bouts of depression throughout my life, I know that our minds can act very simplistically in their reactions to events and images around us. It doesn't distinguish between reality and strongly imagined events. One of the causes of depression is the mind constantly imagining negative and untrue outcomes. The treatment of depression often involves using actions and deliberate thought patterns to persuade the brain out of the poor habits that exacerbate the underlying chemical conditions that cause the illness.
I know that I have a pretty poor mental image of my body. I do wonder whether this is part of the reason my progress has slowed down recently.
There is a phenomenon in the financial markets called resistance or technical trading levels. It happens when a share value approaches a certain level but doesn't break through it. This can happen near a round number in value. For example a stock will trade up from $8 to $9, creeping up towards $10, but when it gets to $9.95 it gets stuck and the price may fall again. Even though investors feel that stock is worth more, the fact that it is getting near a round number prevents them buying.
I feel like I'm mentally stuck at a technical limit just below a 2 stone weight loss. I've been so close for so long but just can't seem to get to it. I find it very difficult to imagine losing more weight. I particularly just can't get my head around the idea that I might one day not be overweight. I know I need to get past that if I'm going to get any further but it just seems completely incomprehensible. In the mean time I'll just keep plodding on and hope that I am pleasantly surprised, much as I have been up to this point.
One of the lovely ladies in the Facebook group I belong to recently posted a link about how visualisation can help with weight loss (among other things). This can be a hugely powerful technique and is used by successful people in all types of activities.
http://caloriecount.about.com/visualize-weight-loss-success-b325293
We all visualise, constantly. Mostly we are not aware of it. But we have perceptions and mental images that we use to interpret the world around us and our place in it. Having lived through long bouts of depression throughout my life, I know that our minds can act very simplistically in their reactions to events and images around us. It doesn't distinguish between reality and strongly imagined events. One of the causes of depression is the mind constantly imagining negative and untrue outcomes. The treatment of depression often involves using actions and deliberate thought patterns to persuade the brain out of the poor habits that exacerbate the underlying chemical conditions that cause the illness.
I know that I have a pretty poor mental image of my body. I do wonder whether this is part of the reason my progress has slowed down recently.
There is a phenomenon in the financial markets called resistance or technical trading levels. It happens when a share value approaches a certain level but doesn't break through it. This can happen near a round number in value. For example a stock will trade up from $8 to $9, creeping up towards $10, but when it gets to $9.95 it gets stuck and the price may fall again. Even though investors feel that stock is worth more, the fact that it is getting near a round number prevents them buying.
I feel like I'm mentally stuck at a technical limit just below a 2 stone weight loss. I've been so close for so long but just can't seem to get to it. I find it very difficult to imagine losing more weight. I particularly just can't get my head around the idea that I might one day not be overweight. I know I need to get past that if I'm going to get any further but it just seems completely incomprehensible. In the mean time I'll just keep plodding on and hope that I am pleasantly surprised, much as I have been up to this point.
Saturday 15 February 2014
Not quite there...
Why is it so much harder to appreciate your own successes than to dwell on perceived failure? I've lost 27 pounds since last August which is a great achievement for me. Up until Christmas this was a rate of over a pound a week. However it's taken over 6 weeks to drop the last 2 of those, and I'm still a pound off the elusive 2 stone mark. Uncharacteristically, this has made me feel it's all a bit pointless and I've been hitting the biscuits.
There is no chance of me stopping doing the fasts, but I do wonder if I need to revise my expectations a bit. It's all been going so well I had hoped (assumed?) that it would carry on at much the same rate. I think I may need to accept that as long as it's not going back on, any further losses will be a bonus rather than to be expected.
I know that I could change this by more closely monitoring and restricting what I eat (and drink) on non-fast days. Many of the other people I have met who follow this plan and stick carefully to their TDDE (http://thefastdiet.co.uk/how-many-calories-on-a-non-fast-day/) on non-fast days have much more consistent results. But I really don't want to do it. To me that smacks of diets and control and is the road to obsession and misery.
I think I eat pretty sensibly on non-fast days. My portion control and snacking habits have completely changed in the last 6 months and I'm happy with my approach to food. The reality is, I need to balance how I want to eat with what I can expect as far as my weight is concerned.
The biscuits are a temporary aberration. I remind myself that I've done pretty well so far and whatever happens from here on, I can be proud of the success I have had. I would really, really like to just lose that one more pound though...
There is no chance of me stopping doing the fasts, but I do wonder if I need to revise my expectations a bit. It's all been going so well I had hoped (assumed?) that it would carry on at much the same rate. I think I may need to accept that as long as it's not going back on, any further losses will be a bonus rather than to be expected.
I know that I could change this by more closely monitoring and restricting what I eat (and drink) on non-fast days. Many of the other people I have met who follow this plan and stick carefully to their TDDE (http://thefastdiet.co.uk/how-many-calories-on-a-non-fast-day/) on non-fast days have much more consistent results. But I really don't want to do it. To me that smacks of diets and control and is the road to obsession and misery.
I think I eat pretty sensibly on non-fast days. My portion control and snacking habits have completely changed in the last 6 months and I'm happy with my approach to food. The reality is, I need to balance how I want to eat with what I can expect as far as my weight is concerned.
The biscuits are a temporary aberration. I remind myself that I've done pretty well so far and whatever happens from here on, I can be proud of the success I have had. I would really, really like to just lose that one more pound though...
Monday 3 February 2014
Day Fifty-two: nearly six months on
Hello strangers. I seem to have fallen out of the habit of writing here, although thankfully not out of the habit of fasting. It's very nearly six months since my first fast day - 6 August 2013. I will be doing my 53rd fast on 6 February and will do a full weigh-in/measure/photos the day after.
January has been a very busy month. There wasn't much time to recover after the madness of Christmas before we got into two important family birthdays and a week off work, all of which disrupted the normal routine. I did weigh myself last week, four weeks after the pre-Christmas weigh in, and had lost a single pound. I suspect that despite my best fasting efforts over Christmas I probably put some weight back on, so may have spent the early part of January dropping that off again. Anyway, this puts me just 2 pounds away from a full 2 stone loss since I started, so I am crossing my fingers and being mindful on my non-fast days in the hope that I can hit that target this week. I've decided that going forward I am going to weigh myself every 2 weeks rather than once a month, so I can keep better track of what is and isn't working.
I appear to have reached the stage where people have started commenting on my weight loss. In the last week, three different people have mentioned it, and it gives me a boost every time. I definitely feel different. I tried to find something that weighs 2 stone the other day, and ended up with a pile of 5 house bricks. I struggled to lift them all together. Given that I am not carrying that around with me every day anymore, it's not surprising that I feel better.
I also feel more confident about how I look. I caught sight of myself in the ladies room mirror at work the other week. I was wearing a dress I bought a back in September (http://darklingplainfast.blogspot.co.uk/2013/09/day-nine-when-does-it-become-habit.html) which I was delighted to slip in to as its a size 18. I'm generally an expert at being in rooms with full length mirrors and not looking at them at all. However this time, rather than quickly glancing away, I stopped and had a good look. I'm not going to say that I was delighted with the image in the mirror, but at least I wasn't horrified. The dress hangs very differently to when I bought it, and I suspect I won't be able to wear it for much longer. Thankfully Dream is shrinking out of her dresses too so I am slowly stealing them from her.
I have a long way to go. Sitting here typing this, I occasionally glance down at my belly, bulging out over the top of my jeans, a constant reminder of the work still to be done. But for once in my life, I'm confident I can do it.
January has been a very busy month. There wasn't much time to recover after the madness of Christmas before we got into two important family birthdays and a week off work, all of which disrupted the normal routine. I did weigh myself last week, four weeks after the pre-Christmas weigh in, and had lost a single pound. I suspect that despite my best fasting efforts over Christmas I probably put some weight back on, so may have spent the early part of January dropping that off again. Anyway, this puts me just 2 pounds away from a full 2 stone loss since I started, so I am crossing my fingers and being mindful on my non-fast days in the hope that I can hit that target this week. I've decided that going forward I am going to weigh myself every 2 weeks rather than once a month, so I can keep better track of what is and isn't working.
I appear to have reached the stage where people have started commenting on my weight loss. In the last week, three different people have mentioned it, and it gives me a boost every time. I definitely feel different. I tried to find something that weighs 2 stone the other day, and ended up with a pile of 5 house bricks. I struggled to lift them all together. Given that I am not carrying that around with me every day anymore, it's not surprising that I feel better.
I also feel more confident about how I look. I caught sight of myself in the ladies room mirror at work the other week. I was wearing a dress I bought a back in September (http://darklingplainfast.blogspot.co.uk/2013/09/day-nine-when-does-it-become-habit.html) which I was delighted to slip in to as its a size 18. I'm generally an expert at being in rooms with full length mirrors and not looking at them at all. However this time, rather than quickly glancing away, I stopped and had a good look. I'm not going to say that I was delighted with the image in the mirror, but at least I wasn't horrified. The dress hangs very differently to when I bought it, and I suspect I won't be able to wear it for much longer. Thankfully Dream is shrinking out of her dresses too so I am slowly stealing them from her.
I have a long way to go. Sitting here typing this, I occasionally glance down at my belly, bulging out over the top of my jeans, a constant reminder of the work still to be done. But for once in my life, I'm confident I can do it.
Thursday 9 January 2014
Day Forty-five: the towel test
Anyone who is slightly (a lot) larger than average will recognise the towel problem encountered at hotels, spas, gyms (?!) and the like. Any towels provided are generally the smallest possible they can get away with. If you are a stick insect I'm sure they wrap snugly around your sleek form with no problems, but in my case I'm sometimes hard pressed to get the ends to meet at all.
It's not an issue in a hotel room, although slightly irritating, but at a spa or pool where you want at least a pretence of modesty, it can be embarrassing. If I'm lucky I can just about tuck the ends in around my chest but am left with a glaring expanse of wobbling thigh causing heart failure in those of a delicate disposition. I have been known to take my own super-size dressing gown to spas with me to spare the need for medical intervention.
At home I have dealt with this by buying the most enormous extra-large towels I can find. I have several that cross over properly at the top and comfortably meet around my thighs with a few inches to spare. I noticed however yesterday, that I'm having to wrap the towel further and further under my arms to get it to stay up. My measurements aren't showing a massive inch reduction but the towel shows a noticeable difference in this particular aspect of my shape. I don't think I'm ready to risk using a standard towel in public but it's these unexpected small alterations to everyday activities that are so great to achieve.
In the meantime I am settling back into my normal routine, fasting in the office today with my flask of coffee. Monday was a bit different for me as my kids were home but we kept busy and I only had a momentary pang when I treated them to their last treat of the holiday - fish and chips for supper. It would have been fine if the younger one hadn't left half her food on her plate for me to clear up. I am grateful at least that she knows how to stop eating when she is full. I did, of course, resist despite the delicious aroma of temptation.
My fasts this year are enhanced by the fact that my lovely boyfriend has started 5:2 as well. Being a lanky fellow, he doesn't really need to lose any weight, but is doing it to gain the excellent health benefits and hopefully stave off incipient dementia ;) With any luck he will write another guest blog post to share how he is getting on. He is, of course, a hoopy frood who always knows where his towel is.
It's not an issue in a hotel room, although slightly irritating, but at a spa or pool where you want at least a pretence of modesty, it can be embarrassing. If I'm lucky I can just about tuck the ends in around my chest but am left with a glaring expanse of wobbling thigh causing heart failure in those of a delicate disposition. I have been known to take my own super-size dressing gown to spas with me to spare the need for medical intervention.
At home I have dealt with this by buying the most enormous extra-large towels I can find. I have several that cross over properly at the top and comfortably meet around my thighs with a few inches to spare. I noticed however yesterday, that I'm having to wrap the towel further and further under my arms to get it to stay up. My measurements aren't showing a massive inch reduction but the towel shows a noticeable difference in this particular aspect of my shape. I don't think I'm ready to risk using a standard towel in public but it's these unexpected small alterations to everyday activities that are so great to achieve.
In the meantime I am settling back into my normal routine, fasting in the office today with my flask of coffee. Monday was a bit different for me as my kids were home but we kept busy and I only had a momentary pang when I treated them to their last treat of the holiday - fish and chips for supper. It would have been fine if the younger one hadn't left half her food on her plate for me to clear up. I am grateful at least that she knows how to stop eating when she is full. I did, of course, resist despite the delicious aroma of temptation.
My fasts this year are enhanced by the fact that my lovely boyfriend has started 5:2 as well. Being a lanky fellow, he doesn't really need to lose any weight, but is doing it to gain the excellent health benefits and hopefully stave off incipient dementia ;) With any luck he will write another guest blog post to share how he is getting on. He is, of course, a hoopy frood who always knows where his towel is.
Friday 3 January 2014
Day Forty-three: 2014 Master list
I've never really done New Year resolutions. It seems like an arbitrary line to draw, and inevitably leads to failure, or at least a perception of failure. I do however like writing lists, in particular when I get to cross stuff off the list. I also think there is a great mental benefit to reviewing and remembering our successes, and lists are a simple way to achieve this. We so often fall into the habit of dwelling on the negative, thinking about things we haven't done or wish we hadn't done. So rather than making resolutions, I have decided to write a list of things I would like to get done this year. I will add to it and possibly take things off as I go along, making it a living record to consult when I need to remember that I am, in fact, rather good at some stuff.
So here is version one.
So here is version one.
- Weight loss goals - I have several mini-goals written elsewhere, but my overall goal for this year is to lose another 2 stone.
- Walking. By the end of the year I hope to be walking at least 10 miles a week. This depends on getting my back/pelvis issues sorted, so I must do all the exercises prescribed by my physio to make this happen. I will invest in a measuring app to track my activity once I'm in a position to walk regularly.
- Work. Complete the IR Diploma and any other tasks set by my manager in order to get promoted in 2015.
- Writing. I used to write fiction. Granted, it was pretty awful fanfiction, but I enjoyed it a lot and got to know some great people in the writing community. I stopped pretty much on the day I separated from my ex. Maybe it was my outlet for dealing with the stress of the relationship and I didn't need it any more. Anyway I miss it and have a couple of story ideas rattling around in my head, so I aim to finish at least one of them this year.
In the meantime, I am on my first fast day of the year, about to go to my first physio session of the year, and looking forward to great things. I'll leave you with Woodie Guthrie's list of "rulin's" from 1942, courtesy of Brain Pickings. I particularly like numbers 13, 19, 20, 31 and 33.
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